Love Earth Life Happiness.


Chasing the Past

Hello Utah!

After a month-full of learning... I have moved back to America.

"You're back already?!?!?" Yes. I'm back already. :)

"BUT WHY?" Here's why..

Today's blog topic is about living in the past.

The beauty of life, is that we all have our own stories.. everyone has their own past. So, whether this post affects you personally or not.. I hope you enjoy.

Here's a chunk of what I learned in my month in Europe this time around. I can't believe how much I've been chasing the past for 3 years. 3 years! I remember the day that I realized this a couple of weeks ago.. It took moving there for an amount of time that I was definitely unsure of, to finally realize this. After my experience at 18 years old, studying in Tilburg, The Netherlands...  I was told by three wonderful teachers, that I should stay at the Dance Academy and finish my degree there. While I was jumping for joy at the idea, I presented it to my parents.. and it was quickly turned down, (which I'm sure any parent can imagine would happen when their baby is trying to stay in a different country).

For 3 years! I've been saddened and have constantly looked back at what could have happened if I would have just stayed there. There was a sense of bitterness that I've carried, not only towards myself.. but towards dance as well. Though I never intentionally thought this, I had a sort of attitude that it didn't matter where I danced here or there.. because it wasn't the same thing that I could have experienced, had I stayed in The Netherlands. I found excuses for whatever reason.. and basically stopped dancing just because I wasn't getting what I could have had, I suppose. Thinking about this now, I can't believe how ridiculous it is. And a huge part of me knew that in the back of my mind, I was definitely thinking this but I just didn't want to admit it. We do this far too often.. because facing the truth can be funky.

After three years of having in the back of my mind..  I have to get back, I have to get back.. I couldn't take it anymore and basically quit everything that I had here to go and test my luck living in Europe. So I moved there without knowing how long I would be there. Before going.. and even for the first chunk of living there, I was extremely hopeful that things would work out. This was until I realized what I'm writing about now. It was quite the slap in the face.

Now, I'm back at home.. with zero dollars.. but a new and refreshing outlook on life.. and an eagerness to learn and continue having adventures.  It's time to live again! Regret is a nasty thing. And sometimes you don't even see it while it's eating you alive.

If you have something eating at you... jump at it right in the face. If you've had an increasing desire for as many years as you can remember, to quit everything and move to Jamaica and be a beach bum... just do it. It doesn't have to be as dramatic as that.. but if something is causing you not to live your life and be happy with what you are doing here and now, then go after what you think you want. ONLY THEN can you finally put your mind at ease and figure out if it is just a world that you are imagining or if it is actually the way that your life should be. For me, I realized that I wasn't fighting as hard as I thought I would to get a job there. Sure, I took dance classes and also bikram yoga classes, because this is something that I simply love. I went out one day and handed out heaps of resumes at cafes.. but I wasn't out trying to find work every single day, and this said something to me without words.

Instead of sitting at home, trying to save the rest of my money for the next months rent.. I decided then and there to LIVE and enjoy my time traveling to different cities in The Netherlands to visit friends for birthday parties or coffee... or to just go enjoy myself while I still had some time there. After realizing all of this, it was quite easy for me to decide that I want to be in the States at this time in my life. And that it's okay to move on from the fact that I didn't decide to stay there in Holland that one time years ago. I sure missed out on a hell of a lot of wonderful things for 3 years and now I feel so happy to see that I can put that dream of mine at rest for now. To get something straight though... I still absolutely love it there. I made a life, two different times there and have friends that are VERY dear to me. Coming home from my study abroad.. I almost thought for a second that my life changing experiences didn't really even happen. But going back for the 4th time now to Holland in 3 years, I saw that those experiences definitely did happen. It was real. It wasn't just a dream, and for that knowledge.. I'm extremely grateful.

Life makes you who you are today. It's a beautiful thing really!

Here's to LIVING and finding new dreams to fight for. Not those "going back in the past" dreams.

Come at me America :)

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