Love Earth Life Happiness.


Chasing the Past

Hello Utah!

After a month-full of learning... I have moved back to America.

"You're back already?!?!?" Yes. I'm back already. :)

"BUT WHY?" Here's why..

Today's blog topic is about living in the past.

The beauty of life, is that we all have our own stories.. everyone has their own past. So, whether this post affects you personally or not.. I hope you enjoy.

Here's a chunk of what I learned in my month in Europe this time around. I can't believe how much I've been chasing the past for 3 years. 3 years! I remember the day that I realized this a couple of weeks ago.. It took moving there for an amount of time that I was definitely unsure of, to finally realize this. After my experience at 18 years old, studying in Tilburg, The Netherlands...  I was told by three wonderful teachers, that I should stay at the Dance Academy and finish my degree there. While I was jumping for joy at the idea, I presented it to my parents.. and it was quickly turned down, (which I'm sure any parent can imagine would happen when their baby is trying to stay in a different country).

For 3 years! I've been saddened and have constantly looked back at what could have happened if I would have just stayed there. There was a sense of bitterness that I've carried, not only towards myself.. but towards dance as well. Though I never intentionally thought this, I had a sort of attitude that it didn't matter where I danced here or there.. because it wasn't the same thing that I could have experienced, had I stayed in The Netherlands. I found excuses for whatever reason.. and basically stopped dancing just because I wasn't getting what I could have had, I suppose. Thinking about this now, I can't believe how ridiculous it is. And a huge part of me knew that in the back of my mind, I was definitely thinking this but I just didn't want to admit it. We do this far too often.. because facing the truth can be funky.

After three years of having in the back of my mind..  I have to get back, I have to get back.. I couldn't take it anymore and basically quit everything that I had here to go and test my luck living in Europe. So I moved there without knowing how long I would be there. Before going.. and even for the first chunk of living there, I was extremely hopeful that things would work out. This was until I realized what I'm writing about now. It was quite the slap in the face.

Now, I'm back at home.. with zero dollars.. but a new and refreshing outlook on life.. and an eagerness to learn and continue having adventures.  It's time to live again! Regret is a nasty thing. And sometimes you don't even see it while it's eating you alive.

If you have something eating at you... jump at it right in the face. If you've had an increasing desire for as many years as you can remember, to quit everything and move to Jamaica and be a beach bum... just do it. It doesn't have to be as dramatic as that.. but if something is causing you not to live your life and be happy with what you are doing here and now, then go after what you think you want. ONLY THEN can you finally put your mind at ease and figure out if it is just a world that you are imagining or if it is actually the way that your life should be. For me, I realized that I wasn't fighting as hard as I thought I would to get a job there. Sure, I took dance classes and also bikram yoga classes, because this is something that I simply love. I went out one day and handed out heaps of resumes at cafes.. but I wasn't out trying to find work every single day, and this said something to me without words.

Instead of sitting at home, trying to save the rest of my money for the next months rent.. I decided then and there to LIVE and enjoy my time traveling to different cities in The Netherlands to visit friends for birthday parties or coffee... or to just go enjoy myself while I still had some time there. After realizing all of this, it was quite easy for me to decide that I want to be in the States at this time in my life. And that it's okay to move on from the fact that I didn't decide to stay there in Holland that one time years ago. I sure missed out on a hell of a lot of wonderful things for 3 years and now I feel so happy to see that I can put that dream of mine at rest for now. To get something straight though... I still absolutely love it there. I made a life, two different times there and have friends that are VERY dear to me. Coming home from my study abroad.. I almost thought for a second that my life changing experiences didn't really even happen. But going back for the 4th time now to Holland in 3 years, I saw that those experiences definitely did happen. It was real. It wasn't just a dream, and for that knowledge.. I'm extremely grateful.

Life makes you who you are today. It's a beautiful thing really!

Here's to LIVING and finding new dreams to fight for. Not those "going back in the past" dreams.

Come at me America :)


Continually Learning

The journey proceeds. Not as long as I initially thought due to a crazy lack of money.. (isn't that always the problem)...

Lack of money is trivial.

Loving your life and living your life are not only valuable phrases for your being.... but they are also essential for personal awareness, acceptance, and happiness.

I don't know about other people... but I'm personally sick of living a life where I'm constantly afraid to make decisions for myself. Being controlled by others is such a frustration. As humans.. I think we need to start becoming aware that it is actually beneficial to listen to our own hearts and accept what our hearts are telling us. It's completely individual. Truth is truth. And no matter what your personal "truth" involves... keep at it. And keep at it with all of your heart.




Dancing and Feeling.

It feels so good to feel!

I went to my first audition since Odyssey's audition in the summer. Here's a bit of how it went this morning. I woke up to a heavy rain/wind storm... (keep in mind that it was about a 25 min. bike ride to the audition location). I was seconds away from staying in my warm bed and continuing to cuddle with Marley. After much deliberation, I kicked myself out of bed.. "put on my dance shoes" and threw as many layers on that I could find to be out and on my way.

I gotta say.. THAT is what this life is about. Getting up and doing things that you're afraid of and the journeys that come along with that... it's simply what life is all about. After years of feeling like I've backed out of things due to this fear or that fear... I still went. Sure, it wasn't successful.. tricky odds anyway (1 girl and 1 boy, with 35ish girls there..) But hey, as a dancer.. classes are expensive so getting a free class and a chance to share a dance studio again, doing the thing that I love... now THAT is success in itself.

I'm posting this one more-so for myself honestly. It feels good to feel again. It has only been 1 week since I arrived in Amsterdam and I can really feel that this is exactly what I needed to do at this time in my life. If there is anything that I can pass along, it's that each day.. we should make it a habit to feel things. Whether life that day makes you happy or sad.. let yourself feel it and embrace it.

Now I say CHEERS.

Cheers to being poor... (money-wise)

Cheers to being rich... (not money-wise) ;)

Cheers to living every moment in the moment.

Cheers to new friends.

Cheers to my old and very dear friends.

Cheers to my family.

Cheers to Bob Marley for adapting so quickly to a completely new surrounding...

And cheers to going for it - whatever it may be for you.

Ps. Thank you all so much for your continual support. Every little bit has helped in so many ways. This world has some pretty amazing people in it!


Food for thought.

Hallooo. Greets from Amsterdam. Well, I'm all settled in here. Just finished the last bit of unpacking and making my room feel like home. My hosts have been great here, Livia and Nicky have been helpful in everything so far. And I've loved the fact that Bob Marley is here with me. He was quite the champ on the way here and hasn't left my side since we've been here... except for when we go out... the little kid is going sniff crazy and loving this new city. We go hard, exploring during the day and return back home pretty exhausted by night actually.

Now that we're all settled in... it's now time to get out and about. I'm really not sure what's going to happen! Now that I've finally made it here, I plan to just put myself out there and definitely allow myself to feel vulnerable. Something that isn't easy to do in any case.. Somehow, I feel motivated to make things work here though, so that's good. It's still quite crazy to really be here again.. I think it's definitely a good direction for me at this point in time. No matter how long it lasts. Already having many nice conversations with people here.. it's good for anybody to hear about and actually immerse yourself in different ways of living and thinking.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss home. I absolutely do. Marley does help with this... but part of me wonders if he misses home as well. If we were to sit inside all day.. just like anybody else, I think we might go crazy. Meeting old friends here and getting back into dance helps 100% with home sickness. I've broken down a few times thinking about home already, but I feel no shame in missing my family and friends at home. Though it was a really hard year for my family in 2013.. things were still going quite well. All except for my mentality at times as far as confidence in dance goes unfortunately. (a huge reason why I wanted to come here... hopefully regaining some dancing confidence again, even if it is simply a kickstart for myself for a few short months.)

I think it's important not to forget that it's always important to soul search in this life. You really don't have to go on a huge adventure like what I needed to do.. and have needed to do in the past. Facing your fears and going towards those thoughts/actions that make us feel vulnerable.. if you ask me, it honestly does have a benefiting value. It's in facing our fears head on that we become stronger individuals. Don't let yourself allow for negative thoughts to creep into your head. If there is something that you want to accomplish or figure out for yourself, do it. And don't be afraid to let family, friends, or straight up outsiders to come in or go along with you as you experience your hardships and successes as well. If anything, I think people begin to feel more comfortable in general when we open up with each other. It aids in realizing that this life isn't easy for anyone. We are all, in one way or another, in this life together for a reason.

Love, be loved, venture into the unknown, and dare to be different.

That's all for today. Nothing too crazy or deep.. just wanting to unleash some brainwaves to the universe :)