Okay, there is a lot to catch the blog up on. A LOT. Also, a lot of people that I have things to explain to and although I will be working on individual explanations for the next... I don't know... WEEK.. this is going to sort of a sum up Samijo's noggin thoughts from lately. Honestly, when I begin thinking... it can get pretty crazy. Here goes... and by the way, this one is going to be lengthy due to lots of things happening in such a short summer of being home from The Netherlands. Life is crazy! But anywho, here are my very honest thoughts, take it or leave it.
(The following is a piece from my journal on August 23, 2011)..
Sometimes I wonder if I am one who runs away from things. Looking back, it looks like that is the case time and time again. Will I ever stop thinking there is always something more out there? Is this a selfish way to think and go about life? Is there a problem in me that I've developed that causes me to feel this way like I constantly need to change and experience bits and pieces of everything? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find complete happiness or something that is actually constant in life? If so, what is it? The reason that I o not like staying in the same place for TOO long is because I've Realized. that I am someone who needs that change and adventure. School... or the same school for too long gets boring for me because I am quick to learn and apply things that sometimes I feel I have learned all that I can in that certain place or from those certain people at that point in time, that continuing on and always finding those new adventures seems like the only way I'll find my zen. I'm sitting here asking myself if this is the wrong way to live, but then my other brain sits and says that it cannot be wrong. Looking at me now compared to even a week ago.. I've picked up tid bits of things all around and now see that I continue to become more 'Samijo' each day from the plethora of experiences that take place.
I find comfort in knowing that I am leaving a large piece of my mind and heart in millions of places, literally throughout the world. I honestly do remember hings about every individual that I have met and am Realizing. that the most rewarding feeling for me, is to get to know someone so deeply, "run away" for a while and continue learning and finding what I can while still having these people in the back of my mind... and then randomly showing up later on at some point in life and trying to show them through example, a way that I've allowed myself to find, in hopes that it will help them or inspire them to Realize. for their self that they truly can be anywhere and anything that they want to be. (Run-on sentence I know.. but it makes sense to me. ;) )
I love analyzing other's lives and creating what I find by going through and meshing all of these things that I learn each day, to help someone by saying... " I KNOW what you are going through." Even if my experience wasn't quite as long or quite as deep... I have to be able to say that I KNOW how you are feeling. I, personally, find comfort in those around me who literally have felt what I am going through, so I WANT to experience even simple tastes of every possible thing... happy, sad, good, bad... so I can be of comfort to those I meet. I LOVE learning new things constantly. Through others, this is how I feel that I will find my constant happiness.
Call me selfish... but it is through this "selfishness" that I continue to find who I truly am and want to be in this life, as well as in the life to come. And quite bluntly, through taking care of myself finally... and being somewhat selfish, I have never felt so self-LESS and REAL. in my life, than I do now.
... Now, let me explain. Like I said, that was from my journal as I took a random two day trip to Cedar City in hopes that I would figure out where the next chapter in life's story will be. This was the base reason and determining reason of why ... (and I know this is the first time that I am making this known to a lot of people who weren't aware) ... but I will not be returning to The Netherlands this coming semester again like we all thought.
It doesn't end there... Let me further explain, after I had decided this, (and after many meditations, talks with friends/family, prayers and meetings with "everyone and their dog" while in Cedar City)... I came to the conclusion of taking only online courses. I selected online courses so I could remain in Salt Lake City and hopefully try out for dance things to continue training. Let's rewind a bit.. for those of you who don't know, I auditioned at the call backs for Odyssey Dance Theater (professional dance company in Utah.. the one I'm always talking about) and after a whole 2+ weeks of feeling in limbo with what to plan for the future... I had received an email saying I did not make it this year. This was not easy to hear, although I respected the decision fully and knew I couldn't let a "no" be the end of the road for me as a dancer.. as I very well could have let it.
Anyways, so I was driving home from Cedar City tonight.. and literally prayed out loud, saying how grateful I am to have reunited with my friends again in Cedar and even though I know people think I'm crazy for choosing freaking science classes and staying in Utah verses going back to The Netherlands again. (Believe me, even though the decision I made felt so right.. I won't lie and say I didn't also think I was crazy for the choice I made.. because I knew it sounded crazy. Yet at the same time, I couldn't deny that it just felt right.) So I said to God, I realize my decision might sound strange and not make sense, but please give me some comfort in knowing that this decision that I just made was the right one...
Well, literally the SECOND after I finished... my phone started ringing. A number I did not know... and who was it? Derryl Yeager (owner and artistic director of Odyssey Dance Theater). WHAAAAT??? Anyways.. long story... not so short, but shorter than it could have been.. I was offered a job as an apprentice this year as a paid and professional dancer on ODT! For someone who doesn't like to show too crazy of emotions.... (such as crying.. screaming.. laughing uncontrollably) I expressed all of these emotions, multiplied by 500. (after our call was finished of course.) AHH!!! THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING IN LIFE! Dude, things happen in the most random and, at times, ridiculous ways... but at the end of the day, I am 100 % certain.. that things happen the way they do for a reason.
Now, I apologize for the long post... (no one MADE you read it if you are unhappy that you spent so much time reading.. haha ;) ) But I couldn't hold this story in. I finally feel at peace, yet so excited/nervous/every emotion possible... for this season of Odyssey Dance Theater. AHhhh!!!! And for your entertainment... here is a video of what it was like after all of this happened. hahaha I am a freak and I don't care who knows it. - Thank you for listening!
*Note: I'm a bad example. Don't drive and record yourself at the same time... could have been very dangerous. ;) Enjoy!